No. 53 Pearl Harbor (2001) 10 of 100

 

I had always avoided Pearl Harbor as it looked like a bloated three hour piece of banality and Hollywood’s attempt at history, akin to the Comic’s Strip’s ‘Strike’. Still it’s on the list, so let’s have a look.

Well, you know what they say about making assumptions? Yes, they are often correct. This was a terrible film that I had to watch in three sittings as the slo-mo, dialogue and patriotism keep me reaching for the ‘off’ button.

The main event is of course a pivotal event in history and more than deserving of a large scale movie examination. Of course the director Michael Bay isn’t known for his documentaries so instead he goes for a convoluted love triangle to document the events of the ‘Date that lives in infamy’.

The film opens with two boys playing at a farm and then taking a crop duster plane for a joyride. These two scamps soon evolve in to Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett and they have enlisted into the air force. The Americans are not yet in World War 2 so Ben, despite a fledging romance with Kate Beckinsale, volunteers to fly for the British, leaving Josh behind. Of course Ben is the best pilot the British have ever seen with some truly awful dialogue spouted in his favour by some old British thesps who probably only staved off the need for throwing up by looking at their pay checks.

Despite being great, Ben crashes his plane and is thought dead. Kate is teary for about five minutes but then Josh moves in to comfort her and soon they are a couple. All the while there are snippets of the Japanese plotting an attack, just in case you think you’ve stuck on a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Not surprisingly Ben shows up at the base on Hawaii – he had been picked up by a French fishing boat and made his way home. The two one time friends fall out over Kate who is up the duff with Josh’s child, but she also tells Ben that he’s the one she loves. Classy.

Before we lose the will to live the Japanese attack Pearl Harbor (this is 80 minutes in!) and to be fair there are some decent action scenes. It does beggar belief that Ben and Josh drive around in a car taking fire before getting in planes and shooting down a shitload of the Japanese invaders.

There are a lot of individual acts of heroism shown, but the film can’t disguise that the Americans took a heavy beating with the bodies and destroyed ships piled high. Not to end on a downer the two lads join Alec Baldwin’s squadron for an attack on Tokyo. This happens months later and they manage to get a little bit of revenge before they have to ditch their planes. There is then a ridiculous scene in a paddy field where one hero will die and another will make it home to the ever accommodating Kate. Who will it be? (It’s Ben, there 3 hours saved for you).

This film was a real ordeal and it was hard to believe some of the dialogue and terrible acting. The effects were decent but you can only take so many CGI explosions. The cast had big names all down the list and it was clear that this was an attempt at on old fashioned Hollywood epic. Down the list you get Dan Aykroyd as a naval intelligence man and Ewen Bremner who plays a man with a stutter. “The J-J-J-Ja..” he stammers as the windows explode.

Shannon has a small but decent part as Gooz, who was a kind of mechanic/buddy character. He was usually second or third banana in most scenes, but he had a few lines which were mostly well delivered. “Take the shirt off my back!” wasn’t one of them.

The direction of the film was poor with Bay reusing a lot of this techniques previously seen in the ‘Bad Boys’ films and ‘Armageddon’ – slow motion, sunshine filters and mawkish sentimentality and patriotism. Cuba Gooding Jr saving Old Glory and lots of children (I’m guessing those of family & friends) playing in the sunshine, speaking to a better future. Yuk!

Unless you have a three hour flight and can’t do raw dogging and it’s this or getting pins in your eyes, I would suggest you stay away. Actually the pins ...

When is Shannon-On? - 34.03

Outcome? Back from the mission

Film 2/5

Shannon Stars 3.5/5