No. 59 Abandoned (2022) 89 of 100

 

There are some films you don’t like because they are poorly made or have a confusing narrative. Others you dislike because the characters don’t work for you or the film doesn’t go anywhere. This film I really disliked because it was difficult and annoying and a real effort to get through. The main reason for that could be explained by the constant subtitle ‘Liam Cries’. Man, that popped up every two minutes and if crying babies aren’t your thing I’d suggest that you give this picture a wide berth.

The film open with activity in a remote farmhouse. We see gunshots and then flashes of light– I’d have thought given the relative speeds of light and sound we’d get the flash first, but it’s not a science lesson so we can let that go. A ‘40 years later’ caption appears and we are at the same house with a young couple and their crying baby. The baby screams non stop for about two minutes and I was close to turning the film off there and then. The house has been on the market for years and the couple are considering buying it given the low price. The woman asks the agent about the house’s failure to sell and is told that there had been a double m*rder and s*icide a few years back. They decide to buy anyway as the woman says she doesn’t mind a bit of haunting. Careful for what you wish for!

The couple start to move in and are welcomed by creepy neighbour Michael Shannon who just lets himself in. At least he brought beer. It looks like Shannon was paid by the word as he hardly says anything and what he does offer is an a slow drawl.

It turns out that the woman has post-partum depression and starts to see things that may or not be there. These result in her screaming a lot and she gives the baby a run for its money in the high pitched wailing stakes. The husband, who’s a vet, is often away leaving the wife to look about the house and hear the screams of children and endure a lot of irritating jump scares.

It turns out that there were other children who were killed in the house with only one escaping their terrible fate. Guess who he turned out to be 40 years later? Go on, I can wait!

The wife's troubles raise concerns with the husband and her doctor, who reasonably diagnoses her as being nuts. Can she appease the spirits and safeguard her own child?

This was an awful film that would have you craving a two hour session with the test card if it was the only other option. For a start it’s a dull haunted house yarn that you've seen many times before and done better by each one. The endless crying, screaming and yelling, supplemented by a jarring score mean that it’s a total assault on the senses and not in a good way. The lead actress Emma Roberts, is the daughter of Eric Roberts and, in this, she’s only the Best of the Best at screaming a lot.

The insipid husband does nothing apart from put records on and Shannon just floats in now and again offering exposition. He’s his usual reliable self here, but has nothing really to do apart from seem slightly menacing before being revealed to be nice after all.

As you can gather I didn’t like this film and I’m now off to listen to some static for an hour to clear my head.

When is Shannon-On? - 11.58

Outcome? Looking on kindly with his baseball

Film 1/5

Shannon Stars 2/5